MONEY AND MARRIAGE

Why does money set the precedence for our way of living? If we are doing better, financially, we stay married longer. If we live in a more affluent neighborhood our marriage has a better chance of surviving. That is all true for black and white couples; money is our common denominator. I often wonder why this "root of all evil" can keep us in a relationship. I understand its one less thing to worry about and even if you are a millionaire you may still have problems. You may not even make it, but you are more likely to make it if you are more financially stable.

Statistics show that majority of marriages that end in divorce cite 'money problems' as the number one reason. I bet if all of those couples were to dig deeper in their relationship they would find the real reason for their divorce is something else. Its easy to fight over finances to mast the true problem. Money is an easy fight.

Maybe its the nicer, less complicated thing to say. Money issues versus I was a b*tch everyday is much easier to tell people. At least for me it would be.

At any rate, what can we do to stay financially sound in our marriages? What can we do if we become overwhelmed with debt? How can we see our way through the crisis?

You need to know where each other stands financially. You should know each others debts and assets. Save, save, save. Even more than before you were married. Make sure you are saving for retirement. Make a plan. Short term and long term to determine where you want to be. If you are already in a lot of debt, don't be afraid to seek assistance. In these hard economic times, never be ashamed of your money woes. It will get better over time. You just need a little hard work and dedication. Stay focused. You know what needs to be done; keep your mind on the task ahead.


We all understand money can buy material things, but those things won't make us happy forever. Fiances is something we learn over time. Some have great financial examples and choose not to or to follow or we have horrible examples and we decide to either do different or remain in the same situation.

I ,by no means, am no financial advisor. I do, however, have a very financially savvy husband. Please feel free to add to this with your comments. We all need any sound advise we can get.

ME VERSUS WE

So I asked the universe how do married people go from me to we? How do we stop thinking of me, me, me all the time and think WE? Here are some of the answers.... at least the ones worth mentioning.


We did that way before marriage. Relationships are all about Teamwork.

It's called, "growing up."

It usually takes a few good arguments about being selfish or inconsiderate.I agree, you should have been that way before marriage.


It's not marriage-it's a more broad mentality-doesn't have to do with being married. When you care about other people, it happens naturally and when you care just about yourself then that's the way you are. but you can make the choice to evolve towards a change, married or not. Focus on what would make the other person happy. In the large scheme, we are happier when those around us are happy and that "giving" is more satisfying than "getting" in a certain way.

It's good to think of yourself as an individual and use the term "me and I " every so often. Start including your husband in the things you do as "me" and vice versa this will create a "we' bond. Well if it wasn't about the both of you before marriage why did you get married. It becomes a "we" when you know it's who you want to be with and make life with.

That should have happened before the marriage. I think I just had an epiphany on the crises in marriages in this country.

This takes some time but one day it just happens automatically and you two become one. First you two must learn how to live and survive together before the magic moment happens so be patient and it will happen.

Work hard on getting used to we and not me, as this is many a time the beginning of setting yourself up for disaster.

aww..well..looks difficult but could be easy...if he loves you...be together like a team..and don't try to be opposite to him...just have a nice dialogue showing a little your opinion gently...asking for help when you need all the time...is common...even if he is a man...and more...because he is a man and he is stronger...be close to him stay close to him...caress him...ask him to hold you...don't fight avoid showing that you don't like this at him...etc...better appreciate him..and he will pay attention and will be on your side...and will tell the child ...listen to your mom...etc when you are together you have to be together...pray for him also...take a walk hand in hand..in forest park..rest on his shoulder..so it is man and woman...always on his side ...and he will be on your side also.

We did it right away, from the moment we met. It's how you establish a relationship to begin with.

Never stop thinking about your desires and wishes. Its just now.... you have made a new commitment to consider others. And note the words "consider others". Just because your clothes dry faster in dryer a as opposed to dryer b....don't mean you gotta use dryer a......however dryer a comes in handy, when you may be in a rush. You may find that sometimes your desires or position is unreasonable....or that maybe you been getting your way disproportionally lately. If that be the case....compromise is in order....or just plan conceding all together. If its all about winning for you.....your relentless pursuit for victory at all cost.....will make the battles much more intense. And of course, there will be a winner, and a loser, and that's unfortunate.

It comes from variations of a tit for two tats.Watch this Numb3rs episode:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IzddJ4Tye…Here is the game "tit for tat" http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tit_for_tatIf you live eye for an eye and tooth for a tooth then the whole world ends up blind and toothless. It is a losing strategy. If you are willing to be enlightened-selfish then it is one step in the right direction. You are much less self-sabotaging. A human being can smell selfish - and if you are married to them then they see you all the time - you can't hide it. It adds a foul taste to all human interactions. If you can both live in a tit for two tats strategy then after a while it gets easier and easier to give up being selfish and self-protective.It takes time and commitment.Read "A lasting promise" because there are four marriage-killers - behavior patters that are 100% lethal to every relationship. http://www.christianbook.com/Christian/B… Make sure that you don't have those guaranteed game-overs hanging over your marriage.

It takes time. Don't listen to the people who say you should be like that before marriage. Marriage is nothing like dating. And every relationship is different. Usually, it takes getting through some rough problem together to really feel the "we" factor. It will come if you two stick together through the rough times. It's only then that you really know what marriage is about and what it is to be a team. You can talk about it and say it, but you don't really feel it until you get through some difficult stuff together.

NOTES OF LOVE

This is an email I received from a friend. She wanted us to know things may not be perfect or even good all the time, but we can get through anything if we (or I) just keep a few things in mind.

Hey Allison, first let me say that I am very happy for you and Zeke and wish you a life time of Happiness! I have been married to my husband for 5 yrs in November, together for 8 and I LOVE HIM SO MUCH!!!! Just because we love each other so much, does not mean we have not had our bad days but thanks to God, those bad days are outweighed by our all of our good days!!!!! My husband and I have made a spoken vow to each other, that no matter what happens in our marriage (outside of abuse), we are committed to each other. One piece of advice that I can give you that will save you half of your arguments is DON'T TRY TO CHANGE HIM AND EXCEPT HIM FOR WHAT AND HOW HE IS. If you ask him to take out the trash. (Now you know he's gonna do it eventually, when he's ready).You come downstairs 4 hrs later, the trash is still there. Don't get mad at him, don't get an attitude (although you really want too because after all, you did tell him to do something) let it go. He'll get to it. That is one fight you don't have to have. Also, its true what they say about communication. Talk to each other. Talk about the things that are not right and the problems your having but talk when things are good. Ask about each other's day and genuinely mean it. When you're going through a rough time, and trust me you will, reflect on the time you first met. Think about how you felt when you met him and think about all the memories you've made when visiting all of the wonderful places you've traveled together. When you reflect back to the beginning and those memories put a smile on your face, then girl you better fight for your marriage!!! Love still resides in your heart. If you didn't love him, then those memories wouldn't make you smile. As long as your committed to each other and keep all outside influences out of your relationship, you'll make it!!!!!

If you have any advice to add please email me I will post it.

WEIGHT ... and other advice

I work with cancer patients and they are sometimes very insightful. I'm not sure if its because they are for the most part older or because many of my patients are very sick. And you reach a pinnacle point in your life where everything is finally CLEAR. Today one of the patients I treated a while ago came in and saw the doctor for her follow up. She had no idea I had gotten married and was very happy to hear that I had done so. She took my left hand, held it in both of hers and stated, "There is a lot of weight here." I immediately thought she was speaking of my diamond. Then she followed it with, "Oh, and your diamond is very nice." I asked what she meant by "WEIGHT". She told me people take marriage too lightly. Getting married today and divorced tomorrow. What happened to death do us part? What happened to sticking with someone no matter what? I looked at her with innocence or stupidity and had the sweetest smile on my face; as I said that the Lord willing we will stay together. I am ready to work.... work very hard to make my marriage stand the test of time. She peered into my eyes long enough for it not to feel awkward. Giving me a look that could pierce my soul; and proceeded to tell me that she hopes I am ready to do just that. Marriage is very hard work.(In my head I think.... I know) You may get up one day in love and lay down that same night angry. (Again in my head... I thought you weren't suppose to go to bed angry. ) People say never go to bed angry but sometimes it happens. (Been there, done that... workin on it.) You may wake up the next day; or even the next week the same angry attitude. (Damn...is she in my head too) The key is to stay in love. (But how?) If you can still look at him, angry as hell and possible even hurt, and love something deep inside of him so much it confuses you; hold on to that feeling. That feeling will bring you to forgiveness and soon you will even forget. I will never forget her words.

I was also told before my wedding by a lady in the beauty salon never to fall out of love at the same time. She told me how she and her husband had both been married before; and the people they divorced were not bad people. They just didn't know how to handle certain situations with that person. They have spoken about troubles the had with their previous relationship, and have had some similar argument. But now they are wiser. They are constantly learning NOT only how to respect and learn from each others faults, but how to grow closer together as we versus me. (Another topic, another day) If they knew then what they know now, maybe they would still be married to the other people. Don't fall out of love at the same time. (Interesting concept)

The beauty shop lady also brought up Will and Jada Smith's marriage. Jada said in an interview there is no divorce in their marriage. They may have to sleep in separate rooms for a while, but NO DIVORCE. Which somehow tied into not falling out of love at the same time. I just can't quite remember how or what she said. (Sorry) But it made me realize sometimes you may have to go through extremes to see your marriage through. And many days you may have to pull double and triple shifts because someone else is not pulling their entire married weight. I pray it doesn't go to that extreme for us.