WEIGHT ... and other advice

I work with cancer patients and they are sometimes very insightful. I'm not sure if its because they are for the most part older or because many of my patients are very sick. And you reach a pinnacle point in your life where everything is finally CLEAR. Today one of the patients I treated a while ago came in and saw the doctor for her follow up. She had no idea I had gotten married and was very happy to hear that I had done so. She took my left hand, held it in both of hers and stated, "There is a lot of weight here." I immediately thought she was speaking of my diamond. Then she followed it with, "Oh, and your diamond is very nice." I asked what she meant by "WEIGHT". She told me people take marriage too lightly. Getting married today and divorced tomorrow. What happened to death do us part? What happened to sticking with someone no matter what? I looked at her with innocence or stupidity and had the sweetest smile on my face; as I said that the Lord willing we will stay together. I am ready to work.... work very hard to make my marriage stand the test of time. She peered into my eyes long enough for it not to feel awkward. Giving me a look that could pierce my soul; and proceeded to tell me that she hopes I am ready to do just that. Marriage is very hard work.(In my head I think.... I know) You may get up one day in love and lay down that same night angry. (Again in my head... I thought you weren't suppose to go to bed angry. ) People say never go to bed angry but sometimes it happens. (Been there, done that... workin on it.) You may wake up the next day; or even the next week the same angry attitude. (Damn...is she in my head too) The key is to stay in love. (But how?) If you can still look at him, angry as hell and possible even hurt, and love something deep inside of him so much it confuses you; hold on to that feeling. That feeling will bring you to forgiveness and soon you will even forget. I will never forget her words.

I was also told before my wedding by a lady in the beauty salon never to fall out of love at the same time. She told me how she and her husband had both been married before; and the people they divorced were not bad people. They just didn't know how to handle certain situations with that person. They have spoken about troubles the had with their previous relationship, and have had some similar argument. But now they are wiser. They are constantly learning NOT only how to respect and learn from each others faults, but how to grow closer together as we versus me. (Another topic, another day) If they knew then what they know now, maybe they would still be married to the other people. Don't fall out of love at the same time. (Interesting concept)

The beauty shop lady also brought up Will and Jada Smith's marriage. Jada said in an interview there is no divorce in their marriage. They may have to sleep in separate rooms for a while, but NO DIVORCE. Which somehow tied into not falling out of love at the same time. I just can't quite remember how or what she said. (Sorry) But it made me realize sometimes you may have to go through extremes to see your marriage through. And many days you may have to pull double and triple shifts because someone else is not pulling their entire married weight. I pray it doesn't go to that extreme for us.

BELIEF IN MARRIAGE part 1

It's hard not to talk about marriage and religion for most people. At least that's what I found out when I posed the question about believing in marriage. Christianity or God came up almost every time. Putting in work came up just as much but more so religion.

"Any person who is a christian should believe in marriage. The bible is very clear about that." This is what I was told by a facebook friend and my mother said her amen to that. (No one was more ecstatic about my marriage than her.) And the bible is an advocate for marriage, but (and I know I will probably catch hell for this) the bible is an advocate for many things. How far do we take it? I mean, the bible also states as a married man; if you look at a women, other than your wife, with lust you should gouge your eye out. WOW. Pretty intense, don't you think? I am a married woman, not a corpse. I mean what woman in her right mind would not want to take a second and maybe a third look at Malik Yoba, Shemar Moore, or that sexy Boris Kodjoe.

The bible does say:
Gen. 2:18, 21-24
The Lord God said, 'It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him'...and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man's ribs and closed up the place with flesh.
Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man. The man said, 'This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called 'woman,' for she was taken out of man.' For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh. (NIV)

This is technically the first wedding. Some say this proves that it's a part of God's design. My Jehovah Witness (which is irrelevant except we are discussing religion and marriage) co-worker who has been married for 7 years states, "God meant for marriages to be. God knew we needed companionship, knew we need love, knew we needed intimacy. So he brought forth this sacred union. People in long term relationships does not have God's blessing. Those relationships are just foolishness." Yes, she said foolishness. I was taken back because I was in a relationship with my husband for several years before we made it legal; which included cohabitation. (GASP)

Maybe she has a point, because statistics show that over 50% of marriages end in divorce. (Census 2007) And a man by the name, Glenn Stanton; of the evangelical church states, Christians who regularly attend church divorce at a rate 35% lower than secular couples. Which is good. Anything to uplift the family I am for. I just would like to know what's the percentage for our black families? Saving that for part 2.

About Us

OK... First of all I am new to this. So bear with me. And keep in mind I am an artist and I am sensitive about my ish.


So let me start by saying I am 30 almost 31 and my husband just recently turned 38. We were together for 5 years before we got married. We have a his, hers, mine, and ours type family. Let me explain. I have a child from a previous relationship but have never been married before this. He has a son from a previous relationship and was been married before to a woman who had a young daughter who he raised. Then they had a child together. They divorced. (OBVIOUSLY!!) And we have a son together. Are you tracking? In all, we have 5 beautiful children. WOW. All the boys live with us full time. The girl lives with us during the summers and school breaks.

We married July 4th, 2009 and it was the most magical day ever for both of us. I just want to stay married, as do most people, till death do us part. So this blog is to see how we do that. And to answer questions like:

1. How do we stay happy?



2. How do we continue to evolve as individuals without compromising our marriage?



3. What do we do when we disagree and can't seem to get past it?



4. In these times of disposable marriages, how do we last?



5. How do we not give up, especially when it seems like the easiest thing to do?

Also I am going to get perspectives from other married couples, but I also want to speak to my single and divorced friends. We were together for 5 years before we got married. And if you would have asked me we would have stayed that way till one of us died. But my beautiful husband wanted to make it legal and he will explain his reasons.

So let the blogging begin.... if you have any topics, question, or concerns please don't hesitate to comment.