Wednesday, July 22, 2009

COHABITATION VERSUS LEGALIZATION

Now this subject matter of cohabitation versus legalization- meaning married, sparked an intense dialogue. Something I like. I posed the question does cohabitation help or hinder a marriage? Only one person I asked said it didn't matter either way. Everyone else had an opinion. Before I get into the opinions (including my own and possible the husbands) let me state the facts, that include some opinions.
  • 75% of black women versus 91% of white women will marry in their lifetimes. Interesting but not unbelievable. I look at all the beautiful, single black women in my immediate circle and I see it. Women who have been in long-term relationships and loved, but never walked down the aisle. Some wanted it that way. Some never met the "right" person. Or they let that one get away.


  • 28% of all women have never cohabitated or married. This was harder for me to believe, but then I started to think and I do have one(only one) friend who has been in relationships - long term,short term, one night stands, what have you. And has never let a man stay longer than a night at her house. She wants the man that stays with her to be her husband.

  • 31% have married without cohabitation. Donna Reedish but it happens. Less and less nowadays, but it does happen.

  • 10% have married and never cohabitated. Most of the people I know who have done this are a lot older than me. But I watch MTV enough to know it does occur with the young people. (16 and married or something like that. Going to husbands house from Daddy's house before the graduate high school. I think its sad. Too young for the immature youth of today to commit to something so serious as marriage.) It doesn't always last but it does happen.

Now Zeke and I lived together for maybe 3 or 4 years before we made it legal. The statistics for our type of relationship is as follows:

  • 39% of cohabitation relationships end in 3 years.

  • And of those remaining, 58% turn in to marriage. (That was us)

And for those together a little longer, like 5 years, the statistics are as follows:

  • 75% of White women eventually marry.

  • 61% of Hispanic women eventually marry.

  • 48% of Black women eventually marry.

Now as a black woman, I wonder why our number is so low? I also wonder, are our numbers the way they are because we settle for whatever we can get so we are not alone? (Saying to our self, well he may not marry me but at least he ain't going no where.) Do we not want to make it legal to begin with? More questions than answers. I did find out that black women are more likely to have a cohabitation end, and less likely to marry by age 30. ( I guess I beat that statistic.Walked down the aisle at 30. Which I think was a little too old, but I already had children. Another topic another day.) Likely to have a shorter marriage if they do marry for both first and second marriages. (Is it the angry black woman attitude? Is it our black men, or the men we choose period?) They are less likely to formally divorce if the marry then separate. (We all know someone in that scenario. Don't you? I won't call any names but you all know who you are.) And less likely to have a successful second marriage. Its like the odds are against us. However, I see it. I know several people in each scenario. But then there are people in healthy, black (African American), loving relationships that last.

Now the debate via email and facebook was some said it would hinder because it was taking away from God's ultimate plan, His grand scheme. We are suppose to be with a person of the opposite sex ( Another topic for another day.... my opinion will not sit well with some people but oh well) and stay faithful till one of us dies. And even then there was some question about only if the other person was or is an adulterer. I was taken back by this. Not by the till death but even after death you can't go on because he never cheated. WOW. I don't know how true it is or where it is in the bible but I will research it.

On the other hand, many stated that cohabitation before marriage would help but only within a reasonable time frame. Anywhere from 1-3 years but no more than that. After too long people should know where they stand in a relationship. I agree. But sometimes feeling change as people evolve. Look at Janet Jackson and Jermaine Dupree, (Let me say I don't know these people I just follow several entertaining blogs and this is what I have heard. It may or may not be true.) they have been together for over 7 years and now they are breaking up. Not because one wants legalization but because one wants babies. If that was something that would have been stated early in the relationship, she would not be 40 something looking for a stable relationship to start; so she can procreate before her eggs dry up. ( I know not nice but its true)

I think both side have good points, it really depends on what works for the couple. My mom is old school but she didn't say too much when Zeke and I lived together. She knew I was happy and that's what matter to her the most. She on the other hand would not shack up (Her words not mine.) before marrying any man. I have learned a lot from living with Zeke and I think overall it will helps us.