Monday, August 10, 2009


Why does money set the precedence for our way of living? If we are doing better, financially, we stay married longer. If we live in a more affluent neighborhood our marriage has a better chance of surviving. That is all true for black and white couples; money is our common denominator. I often wonder why this "root of all evil" can keep us in a relationship. I understand its one less thing to worry about and even if you are a millionaire you may still have problems. You may not even make it, but you are more likely to make it if you are more financially stable.

Statistics show that majority of marriages that end in divorce cite 'money problems' as the number one reason. I bet if all of those couples were to dig deeper in their relationship they would find the real reason for their divorce is something else. Its easy to fight over finances to mast the true problem. Money is an easy fight.

Maybe its the nicer, less complicated thing to say. Money issues versus I was a b*tch everyday is much easier to tell people. At least for me it would be.

At any rate, what can we do to stay financially sound in our marriages? What can we do if we become overwhelmed with debt? How can we see our way through the crisis?

You need to know where each other stands financially. You should know each others debts and assets. Save, save, save. Even more than before you were married. Make sure you are saving for retirement. Make a plan. Short term and long term to determine where you want to be. If you are already in a lot of debt, don't be afraid to seek assistance. In these hard economic times, never be ashamed of your money woes. It will get better over time. You just need a little hard work and dedication. Stay focused. You know what needs to be done; keep your mind on the task ahead.

We all understand money can buy material things, but those things won't make us happy forever. Fiances is something we learn over time. Some have great financial examples and choose not to or to follow or we have horrible examples and we decide to either do different or remain in the same situation.

I ,by no means, am no financial advisor. I do, however, have a very financially savvy husband. Please feel free to add to this with your comments. We all need any sound advise we can get.

Friday, August 7, 2009




My dad. I learned how much "For Better or worse" truly meant in a marriage. My dad took care of a sick wife, and a sick child. Sometimes they were broke, and sometimes they fought, but he never gave up. Marriage has it's ups and downs, but you can't just quit it when you don't feel like it need to work at it.

my parents. they made me aware of the things that i don't want in a marriage. They have been married for 34 years this year...there still together, its a dysfunctional love lol.

S***E - Listen to yourself it will never prove you wrong. I knew my ex was cheating but I didn't listen to the signs... ignored the red flags. I had to learn that lesson the hard way.

My history teacher. She taught me how to laugh at myself instead of getting mad every time someone was laughing at something I did.

My parents- Their inability to function as a couple showed me what not to do. Once my mother got into a healthy relationship and I realized what it was like in an unflawed, functional relationship I learned how to love, how to listen, how to be a good person for my significant other.

We are constantly evolving. We are constantly learning. We take something, even if its negative turned positive or negative kept negative, and use it to change our patterns; if we are smart. If we don't change our patterns, we continue on the same path until we finally decide to change. Sometimes, for some, its easy. For others, it takes a lifetime. A day to day battle, learning, loving, growing. Getting closer to till death do us part. Legal or illegal.


When Joel and I got married, I like my own way, and when I didn't get it, I wasn't happy. Then God spoke clearly to me: Victoria, if you don't change the way you're acting, you're going to change the man you married.
Well, that got my attention, because I didn't want to change Joel's personality. I love Joel. That's why I married him. I knew that I had to be willing to make some changes.
In many relationships, after time, people neglect to walk in love. One day, they realize that their hearts have changed. You hear it all the time: We just grew apart."
Joel and I remind ourselves often that God brought us together. He's got a good plan for our marriage. You need to remind yourself that God has put that person in your life, and He's got good things in store. If you will do your part by being kind, respecting one another, treating each other the way you want to be treated, God will do His part, and you can live in love!


Wednesday, August 5, 2009


The key to longevity as told to me by a man who will celebrate his 50th anniversary on September 11, 2009....

"Stay on top of your honey do list. Whatever she say to do I do. I want to keep her happy."
Smart man I say.

Saturday, August 1, 2009


So I asked the universe how do married people go from me to we? How do we stop thinking of me, me, me all the time and think WE? Here are some of the answers.... at least the ones worth mentioning.

We did that way before marriage. Relationships are all about Teamwork.

It's called, "growing up."

It usually takes a few good arguments about being selfish or inconsiderate.I agree, you should have been that way before marriage.

It's not marriage-it's a more broad mentality-doesn't have to do with being married. When you care about other people, it happens naturally and when you care just about yourself then that's the way you are. but you can make the choice to evolve towards a change, married or not. Focus on what would make the other person happy. In the large scheme, we are happier when those around us are happy and that "giving" is more satisfying than "getting" in a certain way.

It's good to think of yourself as an individual and use the term "me and I " every so often. Start including your husband in the things you do as "me" and vice versa this will create a "we' bond. Well if it wasn't about the both of you before marriage why did you get married. It becomes a "we" when you know it's who you want to be with and make life with.

That should have happened before the marriage. I think I just had an epiphany on the crises in marriages in this country.

This takes some time but one day it just happens automatically and you two become one. First you two must learn how to live and survive together before the magic moment happens so be patient and it will happen.

Work hard on getting used to we and not me, as this is many a time the beginning of setting yourself up for disaster.

aww..well..looks difficult but could be easy...if he loves together like a team..and don't try to be opposite to him...just have a nice dialogue showing a little your opinion gently...asking for help when you need all the common...even if he is a man...and more...because he is a man and he is close to him stay close to him...caress him...ask him to hold you...don't fight avoid showing that you don't like this at him...etc...better appreciate him..and he will pay attention and will be on your side...and will tell the child ...listen to your mom...etc when you are together you have to be together...pray for him also...take a walk hand in forest on his it is man and woman...always on his side ...and he will be on your side also.

We did it right away, from the moment we met. It's how you establish a relationship to begin with.

Never stop thinking about your desires and wishes. Its just now.... you have made a new commitment to consider others. And note the words "consider others". Just because your clothes dry faster in dryer a as opposed to dryer b....don't mean you gotta use dryer a......however dryer a comes in handy, when you may be in a rush. You may find that sometimes your desires or position is unreasonable....or that maybe you been getting your way disproportionally lately. If that be the case....compromise is in order....or just plan conceding all together. If its all about winning for you.....your relentless pursuit for victory at all cost.....will make the battles much more intense. And of course, there will be a winner, and a loser, and that's unfortunate.

It comes from variations of a tit for two tats.Watch this Numb3rs episode:…Here is the game "tit for tat" you live eye for an eye and tooth for a tooth then the whole world ends up blind and toothless. It is a losing strategy. If you are willing to be enlightened-selfish then it is one step in the right direction. You are much less self-sabotaging. A human being can smell selfish - and if you are married to them then they see you all the time - you can't hide it. It adds a foul taste to all human interactions. If you can both live in a tit for two tats strategy then after a while it gets easier and easier to give up being selfish and self-protective.It takes time and commitment.Read "A lasting promise" because there are four marriage-killers - behavior patters that are 100% lethal to every relationship.… Make sure that you don't have those guaranteed game-overs hanging over your marriage.

It takes time. Don't listen to the people who say you should be like that before marriage. Marriage is nothing like dating. And every relationship is different. Usually, it takes getting through some rough problem together to really feel the "we" factor. It will come if you two stick together through the rough times. It's only then that you really know what marriage is about and what it is to be a team. You can talk about it and say it, but you don't really feel it until you get through some difficult stuff together.

Friday, July 31, 2009


The question was can your relationship (marriage) survive infidelity... adultery? This is the ONLY reason for divorce in the bible.
First of all, no matter what view one takes on the issue of divorce, it is important to remember Malachi 2:16: “I hate divorce, says the LORD God of Israel.” According to the Bible, marriage is a lifetime commitment.
“So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate” (Matthew 19:6). God realizes, though, that since marriages involve two sinful human beings, divorces are going to occur.
In the Old Testament, He laid down some laws in order to protect the rights of divorcees, especially women (Deuteronomy 24:1-4). Jesus pointed out that these laws were given because of the hardness of people’s hearts, not because they were God’s desire (Matthew 19:8).The controversy over whether divorce and remarriage is allowed according to the Bible revolves primarily around Jesus’ words in Matthew 5:32 and 19:9. The phrase “except for marital unfaithfulness” is the only thing in Scripture that possibly gives God’s permission for divorce and remarriage.
Many interpreters understand this “exception clause” as referring to “marital unfaithfulness” during the “betrothal” period. In Jewish custom, a man and a woman were considered married even while they were still engaged or “betrothed.” According to this view, immorality during this “betrothal” period would then be the only valid reason for a divorce.(
Most people of course said HELL NO. But one person brought up a very valid point. Elizabeth Edwards, presidential candidate John Edwards wife, said in an interview that after 30 years of marriage he made one mistake. She was not willing to throw everything they had away because of his indiscretion. So they were going to work on their marriage.
I at first took this as the words of a woman who was near death ( she has terminal cancer), but then I realized that she had something. 30 years is not something you just throw away. I know people who didn't see their 30th birthday. And this woman has been joined to one man.... in sickness and in health, the loss of a child, infidelity, love, pain,for richer or poorer, and politics. WOW. She wants till death do us part. If that's what it takes then I think I am willing. (By the way, the woman who brought this up was a widow.)
I just wonder would the same rules apply if you are married for 6 months, 1 year, 3 years. I think it would be to easy to just give up. He cheated. She cheated. I am DONE. But how much stronger would your marriage be if the other person said... Promise me you will not do this again... He/She says I promise and means it. Then the other person says I FORGIVE YOU. Lets move forward. And they do. I know it is easier written than done, but I think it can be done. If more people looked at their marriage as till death do us part, and not well we can always divorce if this doesn't work. Then I will find the one cause obviously he wasn't the one.
I know there is a lot of biblical text in this entry, but I don't think its possible for marriages to last unless there is a higher power involved. Be it God, Jehovah, Allah, or whoever you may worship. Zeke says an atheist who has been married for 30-40 years would see different. Of course they would and I encourage them to comment. However, I don't know any one who doesn't believe in someone.
I understand marriage is work; I just pray that with God's hand we will make it to the very end.... together.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

This was our first song. I wanted to share this with everyone. I wanted people who have possible heard the song and not understood every word, see every word and read them. I want everyone in a relationship to feel this 5, 10, 20 years after they have been with their significant other. Like I have. I present to you Tamia and Still.
Mmmm yea-hey-oh-woah-oh yea-hey-oh-woah-oh-woah usually when two people are together for a long time things seem to change it's been said nothing good lasts forever but this love gets better every day,we get all excited inside everytime that we get alone,he still got love in his eyes, and I still got love in my soul
[Chorus:]Still, feels like the first time we met that I kissed and I told you I love you,we still run around like teenagers even though we're grown and married with kids,and we still talk on the phone for hours when I'm away and he still writes letters and send me flowers every other day,the question everybody ask is how we make it last I tell them I still he still we still
Now I still smile in the morning, when I realize when I'm still in his arms,we know everything about each other, but we still keep holding on - yeah,we're never gonna break up we'll be always there to make up as long as we stick together we'll climb higher,I'm gonna ride with him to the wire,our love is never gonna end we're on fire,
We go through problems like everybody else (but I really don't mind)but I don't mind 'cause it makes us keep it fresh what's sadder than an argument is the thought we may have never been He's my lover, my baby's father, my lifetime partner and my friend,still the man of my dreams,he still, still the man for me and I'm still in love with him so deeply,I think I'll sing it again He's still, still the man of my dreams,he's still, still the man for me and I'm still in love with him deep deeply
[Chorus x2]