MONEY AND MARRIAGE

Why does money set the precedence for our way of living? If we are doing better, financially, we stay married longer. If we live in a more affluent neighborhood our marriage has a better chance of surviving. That is all true for black and white couples; money is our common denominator. I often wonder why this "root of all evil" can keep us in a relationship. I understand its one less thing to worry about and even if you are a millionaire you may still have problems. You may not even make it, but you are more likely to make it if you are more financially stable.

Statistics show that majority of marriages that end in divorce cite 'money problems' as the number one reason. I bet if all of those couples were to dig deeper in their relationship they would find the real reason for their divorce is something else. Its easy to fight over finances to mast the true problem. Money is an easy fight.

Maybe its the nicer, less complicated thing to say. Money issues versus I was a b*tch everyday is much easier to tell people. At least for me it would be.

At any rate, what can we do to stay financially sound in our marriages? What can we do if we become overwhelmed with debt? How can we see our way through the crisis?

You need to know where each other stands financially. You should know each others debts and assets. Save, save, save. Even more than before you were married. Make sure you are saving for retirement. Make a plan. Short term and long term to determine where you want to be. If you are already in a lot of debt, don't be afraid to seek assistance. In these hard economic times, never be ashamed of your money woes. It will get better over time. You just need a little hard work and dedication. Stay focused. You know what needs to be done; keep your mind on the task ahead.


We all understand money can buy material things, but those things won't make us happy forever. Fiances is something we learn over time. Some have great financial examples and choose not to or to follow or we have horrible examples and we decide to either do different or remain in the same situation.

I ,by no means, am no financial advisor. I do, however, have a very financially savvy husband. Please feel free to add to this with your comments. We all need any sound advise we can get.

RELATIONSHIP QUESTIONS

WHO WAS YOUR BEST RELATIONSHIP TEACHER AND WHAT DID THEY TEACH YOU?



C*****S - ALWAYS IMPROVE YOURSELF.



My dad. I learned how much "For Better or worse" truly meant in a marriage. My dad took care of a sick wife, and a sick child. Sometimes they were broke, and sometimes they fought, but he never gave up. Marriage has it's ups and downs, but you can't just quit it when you don't feel like it anymore...you need to work at it.



my parents. they made me aware of the things that i don't want in a marriage. They have been married for 34 years this year...there still together, its a dysfunctional love lol.



S***E - Listen to yourself it will never prove you wrong. I knew my ex was cheating but I didn't listen to the signs... ignored the red flags. I had to learn that lesson the hard way.



My history teacher. She taught me how to laugh at myself instead of getting mad every time someone was laughing at something I did.



My parents- Their inability to function as a couple showed me what not to do. Once my mother got into a healthy relationship and I realized what it was like in an unflawed, functional relationship I learned how to love, how to listen, how to be a good person for my significant other.


We are constantly evolving. We are constantly learning. We take something, even if its negative turned positive or negative kept negative, and use it to change our patterns; if we are smart. If we don't change our patterns, we continue on the same path until we finally decide to change. Sometimes, for some, its easy. For others, it takes a lifetime. A day to day battle, learning, loving, growing. Getting closer to till death do us part. Legal or illegal.

MESSAGE FROM VICTORIA OSTEEN

When Joel and I got married, I like my own way, and when I didn't get it, I wasn't happy. Then God spoke clearly to me: Victoria, if you don't change the way you're acting, you're going to change the man you married.
Well, that got my attention, because I didn't want to change Joel's personality. I love Joel. That's why I married him. I knew that I had to be willing to make some changes.
In many relationships, after time, people neglect to walk in love. One day, they realize that their hearts have changed. You hear it all the time: We just grew apart."
Joel and I remind ourselves often that God brought us together. He's got a good plan for our marriage. You need to remind yourself that God has put that person in your life, and He's got good things in store. If you will do your part by being kind, respecting one another, treating each other the way you want to be treated, God will do His part, and you can live in love!

SO I ASK WHAT IS GOD'S PLAN FOR YOUR MARRIAGE?

THE KEY TO LONGEVITY part 1

The key to longevity as told to me by a man who will celebrate his 50th anniversary on September 11, 2009....

"Stay on top of your honey do list. Whatever she say to do I do. I want to keep her happy."

Smart man I say.

ME VERSUS WE

So I asked the universe how do married people go from me to we? How do we stop thinking of me, me, me all the time and think WE? Here are some of the answers.... at least the ones worth mentioning.


We did that way before marriage. Relationships are all about Teamwork.

It's called, "growing up."

It usually takes a few good arguments about being selfish or inconsiderate.I agree, you should have been that way before marriage.


It's not marriage-it's a more broad mentality-doesn't have to do with being married. When you care about other people, it happens naturally and when you care just about yourself then that's the way you are. but you can make the choice to evolve towards a change, married or not. Focus on what would make the other person happy. In the large scheme, we are happier when those around us are happy and that "giving" is more satisfying than "getting" in a certain way.

It's good to think of yourself as an individual and use the term "me and I " every so often. Start including your husband in the things you do as "me" and vice versa this will create a "we' bond. Well if it wasn't about the both of you before marriage why did you get married. It becomes a "we" when you know it's who you want to be with and make life with.

That should have happened before the marriage. I think I just had an epiphany on the crises in marriages in this country.

This takes some time but one day it just happens automatically and you two become one. First you two must learn how to live and survive together before the magic moment happens so be patient and it will happen.

Work hard on getting used to we and not me, as this is many a time the beginning of setting yourself up for disaster.

aww..well..looks difficult but could be easy...if he loves you...be together like a team..and don't try to be opposite to him...just have a nice dialogue showing a little your opinion gently...asking for help when you need all the time...is common...even if he is a man...and more...because he is a man and he is stronger...be close to him stay close to him...caress him...ask him to hold you...don't fight avoid showing that you don't like this at him...etc...better appreciate him..and he will pay attention and will be on your side...and will tell the child ...listen to your mom...etc when you are together you have to be together...pray for him also...take a walk hand in hand..in forest park..rest on his shoulder..so it is man and woman...always on his side ...and he will be on your side also.

We did it right away, from the moment we met. It's how you establish a relationship to begin with.

Never stop thinking about your desires and wishes. Its just now.... you have made a new commitment to consider others. And note the words "consider others". Just because your clothes dry faster in dryer a as opposed to dryer b....don't mean you gotta use dryer a......however dryer a comes in handy, when you may be in a rush. You may find that sometimes your desires or position is unreasonable....or that maybe you been getting your way disproportionally lately. If that be the case....compromise is in order....or just plan conceding all together. If its all about winning for you.....your relentless pursuit for victory at all cost.....will make the battles much more intense. And of course, there will be a winner, and a loser, and that's unfortunate.

It comes from variations of a tit for two tats.Watch this Numb3rs episode:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IzddJ4Tye…Here is the game "tit for tat" http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tit_for_tatIf you live eye for an eye and tooth for a tooth then the whole world ends up blind and toothless. It is a losing strategy. If you are willing to be enlightened-selfish then it is one step in the right direction. You are much less self-sabotaging. A human being can smell selfish - and if you are married to them then they see you all the time - you can't hide it. It adds a foul taste to all human interactions. If you can both live in a tit for two tats strategy then after a while it gets easier and easier to give up being selfish and self-protective.It takes time and commitment.Read "A lasting promise" because there are four marriage-killers - behavior patters that are 100% lethal to every relationship. http://www.christianbook.com/Christian/B… Make sure that you don't have those guaranteed game-overs hanging over your marriage.

It takes time. Don't listen to the people who say you should be like that before marriage. Marriage is nothing like dating. And every relationship is different. Usually, it takes getting through some rough problem together to really feel the "we" factor. It will come if you two stick together through the rough times. It's only then that you really know what marriage is about and what it is to be a team. You can talk about it and say it, but you don't really feel it until you get through some difficult stuff together.

QUESTIONS part1

The question was can your relationship (marriage) survive infidelity... adultery? This is the ONLY reason for divorce in the bible.

First of all, no matter what view one takes on the issue of divorce, it is important to remember Malachi 2:16: “I hate divorce, says the LORD God of Israel.” According to the Bible, marriage is a lifetime commitment.

“So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate” (Matthew 19:6). God realizes, though, that since marriages involve two sinful human beings, divorces are going to occur.

In the Old Testament, He laid down some laws in order to protect the rights of divorcees, especially women (Deuteronomy 24:1-4). Jesus pointed out that these laws were given because of the hardness of people’s hearts, not because they were God’s desire (Matthew 19:8).The controversy over whether divorce and remarriage is allowed according to the Bible revolves primarily around Jesus’ words in Matthew 5:32 and 19:9. The phrase “except for marital unfaithfulness” is the only thing in Scripture that possibly gives God’s permission for divorce and remarriage.

Many interpreters understand this “exception clause” as referring to “marital unfaithfulness” during the “betrothal” period. In Jewish custom, a man and a woman were considered married even while they were still engaged or “betrothed.” According to this view, immorality during this “betrothal” period would then be the only valid reason for a divorce.(gotquestions.org)

Most people of course said HELL NO. But one person brought up a very valid point. Elizabeth Edwards, presidential candidate John Edwards wife, said in an interview that after 30 years of marriage he made one mistake. She was not willing to throw everything they had away because of his indiscretion. So they were going to work on their marriage.

I at first took this as the words of a woman who was near death ( she has terminal cancer), but then I realized that she had something. 30 years is not something you just throw away. I know people who didn't see their 30th birthday. And this woman has been joined to one man.... in sickness and in health, the loss of a child, infidelity, love, pain,for richer or poorer, and politics. WOW. She wants till death do us part. If that's what it takes then I think I am willing. (By the way, the woman who brought this up was a widow.)

I just wonder would the same rules apply if you are married for 6 months, 1 year, 3 years. I think it would be to easy to just give up. He cheated. She cheated. I am DONE. But how much stronger would your marriage be if the other person said... Promise me you will not do this again... He/She says I promise and means it. Then the other person says I FORGIVE YOU. Lets move forward. And they do. I know it is easier written than done, but I think it can be done. If more people looked at their marriage as till death do us part, and not well we can always divorce if this doesn't work. Then I will find the one cause obviously he wasn't the one.

I know there is a lot of biblical text in this entry, but I don't think its possible for marriages to last unless there is a higher power involved. Be it God, Jehovah, Allah, or whoever you may worship. Zeke says an atheist who has been married for 30-40 years would see different. Of course they would and I encourage them to comment. However, I don't know any one who doesn't believe in someone.

I understand marriage is work; I just pray that with God's hand we will make it to the very end.... together.

This was our first song. I wanted to share this with everyone. I wanted people who have possible heard the song and not understood every word, see every word and read them. I want everyone in a relationship to feel this 5, 10, 20 years after they have been with their significant other. Like I have. I present to you Tamia and Still.

"Still"

Mmmm yea-hey-oh-woah-oh yea-hey-oh-woah-oh-woah usually when two people are together for a long time things seem to change it's been said nothing good lasts forever but this love gets better every day,we get all excited inside everytime that we get alone,he still got love in his eyes, and I still got love in my soul

[Chorus:]Still, feels like the first time we met that I kissed and I told you I love you,we still run around like teenagers even though we're grown and married with kids,and we still talk on the phone for hours when I'm away and he still writes letters and send me flowers every other day,the question everybody ask is how we make it last I tell them I still he still we still

Now I still smile in the morning, when I realize when I'm still in his arms,we know everything about each other, but we still keep holding on - yeah,we're never gonna break up we'll be always there to make up as long as we stick together we'll climb higher,I'm gonna ride with him to the wire,our love is never gonna end we're on fire,

[Chorus]

We go through problems like everybody else (but I really don't mind)but I don't mind 'cause it makes us keep it fresh what's sadder than an argument is the thought we may have never been He's my lover, my baby's father, my lifetime partner and my friend,still the man of my dreams,he still, still the man for me and I'm still in love with him so deeply,I think I'll sing it again He's still, still the man of my dreams,he's still, still the man for me and I'm still in love with him deep deeply

[Chorus x2]

NOTES OF LOVE

This is an email I received from a friend. She wanted us to know things may not be perfect or even good all the time, but we can get through anything if we (or I) just keep a few things in mind.

Hey Allison, first let me say that I am very happy for you and Zeke and wish you a life time of Happiness! I have been married to my husband for 5 yrs in November, together for 8 and I LOVE HIM SO MUCH!!!! Just because we love each other so much, does not mean we have not had our bad days but thanks to God, those bad days are outweighed by our all of our good days!!!!! My husband and I have made a spoken vow to each other, that no matter what happens in our marriage (outside of abuse), we are committed to each other. One piece of advice that I can give you that will save you half of your arguments is DON'T TRY TO CHANGE HIM AND EXCEPT HIM FOR WHAT AND HOW HE IS. If you ask him to take out the trash. (Now you know he's gonna do it eventually, when he's ready).You come downstairs 4 hrs later, the trash is still there. Don't get mad at him, don't get an attitude (although you really want too because after all, you did tell him to do something) let it go. He'll get to it. That is one fight you don't have to have. Also, its true what they say about communication. Talk to each other. Talk about the things that are not right and the problems your having but talk when things are good. Ask about each other's day and genuinely mean it. When you're going through a rough time, and trust me you will, reflect on the time you first met. Think about how you felt when you met him and think about all the memories you've made when visiting all of the wonderful places you've traveled together. When you reflect back to the beginning and those memories put a smile on your face, then girl you better fight for your marriage!!! Love still resides in your heart. If you didn't love him, then those memories wouldn't make you smile. As long as your committed to each other and keep all outside influences out of your relationship, you'll make it!!!!!

If you have any advice to add please email me I will post it.

COHABITATION VERSUS LEGALIZATION

Now this subject matter of cohabitation versus legalization- meaning married, sparked an intense dialogue. Something I like. I posed the question does cohabitation help or hinder a marriage? Only one person I asked said it didn't matter either way. Everyone else had an opinion. Before I get into the opinions (including my own and possible the husbands) let me state the facts, that include some opinions.

• 75% of black women versus 91% of white women will marry in their lifetimes. Interesting but not unbelievable. I look at all the beautiful, single black women in my immediate circle and I see it. Women who have been in long-term relationships and loved, but never walked down the aisle. Some wanted it that way. Some never met the "right" person. Or they let that one get away.



• 28% of all women have never cohabitated or married. This was harder for me to believe, but then I started to think and I do have one(only one) friend who has been in relationships - long term,short term, one night stands, what have you. And has never let a man stay longer than a night at her house. She wants the man that stays with her to be her husband.


• 31% have married without cohabitation. Donna Reedish but it happens. Less and less nowadays, but it does happen.


• 10% have married and never cohabitated. Most of the people I know who have done this are a lot older than me. But I watch MTV enough to know it does occur with the young people. (16 and married or something like that. Going to husbands house from Daddy's house before the graduate high school. I think its sad. Too young for the immature youth of today to commit to something so serious as marriage.) It doesn't always last but it does happen.
  

Now Zeke and I lived together for maybe 3 or 4 years before we made it legal. The statistics for our type of relationship is as follows:

• 39% of cohabitation relationships end in 3 years.


• And of those remaining, 58% turn in to marriage. (That was us)

And for those together a little longer, like 5 years, the statistics are as follows:

• 75% of White women eventually marry.


• 61% of Hispanic women eventually marry.


• 48% of Black women eventually marry.

Now as a black woman, I wonder why our number is so low? I also wonder, are our numbers the way they are because we settle for whatever we can get so we are not alone? (Saying to our self, well he may not marry me but at least he ain't going no where.) Do we not want to make it legal to begin with? More questions than answers. I did find out that black women are more likely to have a cohabitation end, and less likely to marry by age 30. ( I guess I beat that statistic.Walked down the aisle at 30. Which I think was a little too old, but I already had children. Another topic another day.) Likely to have a shorter marriage if they do marry for both first and second marriages. (Is it the angry black woman attitude? Is it our black men, or the men we choose period?) They are less likely to formally divorce if the marry then separate. (We all know someone in that scenario. Don't you? I won't call any names but you all know who you are.) And less likely to have a successful second marriage. Its like the odds are against us. However, I see it. I know several people in each scenario. But then there are people in healthy, black (African American), loving relationships that last.

Now the debate via email and facebook was some said it would hinder because it was taking away from God's ultimate plan, His grand scheme. We are suppose to be with a person of the opposite sex ( Another topic for another day.... my opinion will not sit well with some people but oh well) and stay faithful till one of us dies. And even then there was some question about only if the other person was or is an adulterer. I was taken back by this. Not by the till death but even after death you can't go on because he never cheated. WOW. I don't know how true it is or where it is in the bible but I will research it.

On the other hand, many stated that cohabitation before marriage would help but only within a reasonable time frame. Anywhere from 1-3 years but no more than that. After too long people should know where they stand in a relationship. I agree. But sometimes feeling change as people evolve. Look at Janet Jackson and Jermaine Dupree, (Let me say I don't know these people I just follow several entertaining blogs and this is what I have heard. It may or may not be true.) they have been together for over 7 years and now they are breaking up. Not because one wants legalization but because one wants babies. If that was something that would have been stated early in the relationship, she would not be 40 something looking for a stable relationship to start; so she can procreate before her eggs dry up. ( I know not nice but its true)

I think both side have good points, it really depends on what works for the couple. My mom is old school but she didn't say too much when Zeke and I lived together. She knew I was happy and that's what matter to her the most. She on the other hand would not shack up (Her words not mine.) before marrying any man. I have learned a lot from living with Zeke and I think overall it will helps us.

WEIGHT ... and other advice

I work with cancer patients and they are sometimes very insightful. I'm not sure if its because they are for the most part older or because many of my patients are very sick. And you reach a pinnacle point in your life where everything is finally CLEAR. Today one of the patients I treated a while ago came in and saw the doctor for her follow up. She had no idea I had gotten married and was very happy to hear that I had done so. She took my left hand, held it in both of hers and stated, "There is a lot of weight here." I immediately thought she was speaking of my diamond. Then she followed it with, "Oh, and your diamond is very nice." I asked what she meant by "WEIGHT". She told me people take marriage too lightly. Getting married today and divorced tomorrow. What happened to death do us part? What happened to sticking with someone no matter what? I looked at her with innocence or stupidity and had the sweetest smile on my face; as I said that the Lord willing we will stay together. I am ready to work.... work very hard to make my marriage stand the test of time. She peered into my eyes long enough for it not to feel awkward. Giving me a look that could pierce my soul; and proceeded to tell me that she hopes I am ready to do just that. Marriage is very hard work.(In my head I think.... I know) You may get up one day in love and lay down that same night angry. (Again in my head... I thought you weren't suppose to go to bed angry. ) People say never go to bed angry but sometimes it happens. (Been there, done that... workin on it.) You may wake up the next day; or even the next week the same angry attitude. (Damn...is she in my head too) The key is to stay in love. (But how?) If you can still look at him, angry as hell and possible even hurt, and love something deep inside of him so much it confuses you; hold on to that feeling. That feeling will bring you to forgiveness and soon you will even forget. I will never forget her words.

I was also told before my wedding by a lady in the beauty salon never to fall out of love at the same time. She told me how she and her husband had both been married before; and the people they divorced were not bad people. They just didn't know how to handle certain situations with that person. They have spoken about troubles the had with their previous relationship, and have had some similar argument. But now they are wiser. They are constantly learning NOT only how to respect and learn from each others faults, but how to grow closer together as we versus me. (Another topic, another day) If they knew then what they know now, maybe they would still be married to the other people. Don't fall out of love at the same time. (Interesting concept)

The beauty shop lady also brought up Will and Jada Smith's marriage. Jada said in an interview there is no divorce in their marriage. They may have to sleep in separate rooms for a while, but NO DIVORCE. Which somehow tied into not falling out of love at the same time. I just can't quite remember how or what she said. (Sorry) But it made me realize sometimes you may have to go through extremes to see your marriage through. And many days you may have to pull double and triple shifts because someone else is not pulling their entire married weight. I pray it doesn't go to that extreme for us.

BELIEF IN MARRIAGE part 1

It's hard not to talk about marriage and religion for most people. At least that's what I found out when I posed the question about believing in marriage. Christianity or God came up almost every time. Putting in work came up just as much but more so religion.

"Any person who is a christian should believe in marriage. The bible is very clear about that." This is what I was told by a facebook friend and my mother said her amen to that. (No one was more ecstatic about my marriage than her.) And the bible is an advocate for marriage, but (and I know I will probably catch hell for this) the bible is an advocate for many things. How far do we take it? I mean, the bible also states as a married man; if you look at a women, other than your wife, with lust you should gouge your eye out. WOW. Pretty intense, don't you think? I am a married woman, not a corpse. I mean what woman in her right mind would not want to take a second and maybe a third look at Malik Yoba, Shemar Moore, or that sexy Boris Kodjoe.

The bible does say:
Gen. 2:18, 21-24
The Lord God said, 'It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him'...and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man's ribs and closed up the place with flesh.
Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man. The man said, 'This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called 'woman,' for she was taken out of man.' For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh. (NIV)

This is technically the first wedding. Some say this proves that it's a part of God's design. My Jehovah Witness (which is irrelevant except we are discussing religion and marriage) co-worker who has been married for 7 years states, "God meant for marriages to be. God knew we needed companionship, knew we need love, knew we needed intimacy. So he brought forth this sacred union. People in long term relationships does not have God's blessing. Those relationships are just foolishness." Yes, she said foolishness. I was taken back because I was in a relationship with my husband for several years before we made it legal; which included cohabitation. (GASP)

Maybe she has a point, because statistics show that over 50% of marriages end in divorce. (Census 2007) And a man by the name, Glenn Stanton; of the evangelical church states, Christians who regularly attend church divorce at a rate 35% lower than secular couples. Which is good. Anything to uplift the family I am for. I just would like to know what's the percentage for our black families? Saving that for part 2.

About Us

OK... First of all I am new to this. So bear with me. And keep in mind I am an artist and I am sensitive about my ish.


So let me start by saying I am 30 almost 31 and my husband just recently turned 38. We were together for 5 years before we got married. We have a his, hers, mine, and ours type family. Let me explain. I have a child from a previous relationship but have never been married before this. He has a son from a previous relationship and was been married before to a woman who had a young daughter who he raised. Then they had a child together. They divorced. (OBVIOUSLY!!) And we have a son together. Are you tracking? In all, we have 5 beautiful children. WOW. All the boys live with us full time. The girl lives with us during the summers and school breaks.

We married July 4th, 2009 and it was the most magical day ever for both of us. I just want to stay married, as do most people, till death do us part. So this blog is to see how we do that. And to answer questions like:

1. How do we stay happy?



2. How do we continue to evolve as individuals without compromising our marriage?



3. What do we do when we disagree and can't seem to get past it?



4. In these times of disposable marriages, how do we last?



5. How do we not give up, especially when it seems like the easiest thing to do?

Also I am going to get perspectives from other married couples, but I also want to speak to my single and divorced friends. We were together for 5 years before we got married. And if you would have asked me we would have stayed that way till one of us died. But my beautiful husband wanted to make it legal and he will explain his reasons.

So let the blogging begin.... if you have any topics, question, or concerns please don't hesitate to comment.